I have met many DIDs with significant others who are very kind and compassionate, just as I have met many DIDs who are pathologically bonded with significant others who are abusive. Attraction to both those in need of protection and those who are abusive is detailed in Karpman’s model of social drama triangle. It is discussed in Chapter 7 of EMP Volume 1 with respect to Victoria.

It is not uncommon that abusive people are also traumatized people. However, they choose to hurt others because of their own pain rather than process their trauma. Again, the Karpman model can be helpful to understand this. I point this out not because one’s own trauma is an excuse to hurt others, but because it helps clarify some of the dynamics of abusive relationships.

For someone who is abusive, I believe there is always a background of pain and hurt that makes him/her choose a cruel way of hurting others. It is an expression of their failure to process their own pain. It is only in this context that I think it is possible to begin to understand that part within the people who hurt us.

This does NOT mean that you permit such a person to harm you. This does NOT mean that you allow them to be near you if there is even the slightest risk that they might hurt you again. Understanding their context is in no way a reason to participate in any relationship with them.

Returning to the topic of partners who both have experienced early childhood trauma, remain cognizant of the presence of such parts in oneself and in your SO. Simply put, DIDs and DDNOSs need to be vigilant but not hyper-vigilant. This way, there is a gateway to understanding both the positive possibilities and negative risks of engaging with a DID/DDNOS person as your SO.

If this is the choice you make, it is critically important that both individuals engage with their separate therapists, establish on ongoing routine of grounding individually and perhaps together at times, and to pay attention to one’s own and one’s SO’s protectors. That way you set up a framework of self-care that you can tap into should something trigger you or your SO. It is a way to work on being a further support to each other.

Be careful as there are likely many hidden triggers that might provoke a needy, angry, or hurt alter in oneself or your partner. There will always be triggers that you do not know yet that can cause great difficulties. The difficulties can easily arise when two individuals with DID living together. It can happen that an alter may be provoked in one that may clash with or draw out an alter coming out of the other individual.

For example, if one needy and very young child alter in one comes out, it will be difficult for everyone if the alter that comes out from the significant other is an angry alter emerging in response. However, if a mothering and caring alter comes out, then it may be more healing for that engagement rather than conflict.

But another possibility is for both individuals to have alters emerge that are in a needy state. Neither will simply get their needs satisfied. Each may accuse the other as being non-caring or compete with the other which, functionally, would likely push one or the other into a different role in the Karpman triangle – from victim to either abuser or rescuer. This is a place where grounding exercises can begin to be very helpful on the spot.

Again, I want to remind the reader that these thoughts are not based on my experience with this particular set of circumstances but rather my conjectures about the issues raised.

I hope these conjectures from within my retirement are helpful to those with DID and their partners. I think it is also important for practising therapists to consider so that it raises their index of suspicion and concerns when treating patients that are DID or DDNOS – with or without an SO. Best wishes always.