A question came up from one of the readers of Engaging Multiple Personalities who is DID. As it seemed to be a topic that was relevant perhaps to many DID individuals, I thought I would share some of my thoughts. As always, it is important to understand that I am retired and cannot offer therapeutic advice to anyone. Please do work with your therapist and know that healing is possible.
The basic question was not about angry alters, rather it was about alters that hold so much depression and trauma that the only solution they see is to die. They don’t want to harm any of the other alters or the host, they just see no exit from their pain.
I can tell you that my life experience (I am almost 80 years old at this point) is that no one wants to suffer. Whether they are DID, have PhDs, are poor, are wealthy, are young or old, no one wants to be in pain. Much of our lives are spent simply trying to avoid pain and seek comfort.
My DID patients usually had severely depressed alters that would present their logic for why they (and everyone else in the system) would be better served if they were gone. With only the experience of holding traumatic memories – and walled off by the DID from any experience other alters might have of laughter, enjoying food, and a warm glance from a genuine dear friend – their desire to give up on life is understandable
It was always difficult to establish a bridge of communication to help those alters shift their perspective. But, when that bridge was established they were able to begin to shift their perspective, if only for a moment and if only just a little bit. Once that happens, it is as if the clouds are starting to soften and maybe even part after a huge storm. The thick black clouds begin to get a touch of grey. The sun may not yet be fully visible, but at least there is more confidence that it is up there somewhere.
Alters stuck in their despair understand that each alter shares the body with all the other alters, including the host, so a peaceful death of one alter without affecting the body simply doesn’t work. They don’t wish to harm anyone, therefore they are looking for something other than suicide. Like other alters who are holding the most difficult trauma, they simply don’t see a way out. That is because they arose in response to an abuser psychologically hammering into them the belief that there was no escape from the pain then nor would there be in the future.
The fact is that these alters have taken on an incredible amount of pain so that the system can survive and function. In fact, I had patients with alters that had sequentially arisen to take care of a certain level of trauma and then, within and during the same traumatic event, when the pain increased too much for that alter, another alter would arise to take on that increased level of pain – and so on. These alters were taught that there is no relief that will ever be available to them. Nevertheless, relief is what they want and the only solution they see, because of amnestic barriers, is to die.
I would sometimes give my patients, and specifically those alters, an analogy to their experience that some of them found helpful: I would point out that for one person to lift a 500 pound weight is generally impossible. But, if 500 people share the lifting of that weight then each one is only taking on 1 pound – easy to do. In this case, the intensity of the pain held by the alter in despair is the 500 pound weight. Clearly they can never lift it alone, and therefore see no escape from the pain.
However, the more other alters engage, befriend and share with that alter, the burden being borne solely by that alter eases a bit. Maybe at first from 500 pounds down to 499 pounds. That is still too much for any one to bear, but with each engagement, if a few pounds are shifted, then the path to relief starts to become clear – even for the severely depressed alters. That is the point when the black skies lighten just a bit. Sharing their burden is not easy for the despairing alters to do, and is also something that many of the other alters don’t wish to try. After all, holding that despair walled off within an amnestic barrier is why that alter was likely created. So, effort needs to be made to encourage the non-despairing alters to take on just a small touch of the pain.
The corollary to this is that when you share joy, it increases. Kind of like when everyone is watching a movie and laughs at a funny line. It is experienced as much funnier than one experiences the line watching that same movie alone. So, the guidance is to try to share the burden and share the joy. Both of these are difficult for an alter in despair to try because it goes against the imprinting by the abuser that no relief is possible.
Without pressuring them, make sure the alters that want to die begin to listen to the joy that some alters feel. They don’t have to immediately experience it if they don’t want to or cannot, but it is kind of like inviting them to at least listen at the door until they feel safe enough to come join in – even just enough to stick their toe inside. In short, these is how you and that alter who really wants to put an end to the suffering without harming the commonly shared body can proceed.
The above suggestions are methods to work in the mind(s) of the system. How this might be done in the body is the next issue.
Sometimes, I suggested to my patients that they might invite the despairing alter to go for a restful sleep. This is not to tell them they are unwelcome. In fact, it is just the opposite. It is like when someone is ill, you want to bundle them up safe in a warm bed with warm honey tea and buttered toast. They can stay in bed resting while you guard the door, so to speak.
I would suggest for this alter to go on a short “retreat.” Let me elaborate further by giving an example. An ideal retreat for me is going to a place that has a quiet garden, eating very simple food and spending some time walking in a forest, smelling the wild plants, listening to the birds and maybe the noise of a small babbling brook. If you can do this even for a few minutes, for a few hours, or for a few days, without books, radio, e-readers, i-Pods etc., it can be very healing.
Allow nature – here meaning the outside world and your body’s interaction with it through the senses – to bring you back to the complete “here and now.” Try to bring a complete attention to the present, the present breath, the gentle tired feelings in your legs and the slight hunger in the stomach before a nourishing simple meal. This is a way to use the sense experience of the body to comfort the distressed alter.
Invite the troubled alter specifically to join you in that simple retreat, without being heavy handed. If they say they don’t want to come, no problem. When you go, they will automatically be there with you so long as you leave the door open for them through your good heart. Again, it is like inviting someone waiting just outside the door to listen in, perhaps they are too frightened to enter but they want to hear what is happening.
I know this suggestion may be met with resistance by some individuals who do not like its possible religious overtones, but the Earth holds all of us. Being undistracted in nature, allowing our senses to engage it, is not particularly religious.
If it is too difficult to get to a forest or garden space, my other suggestion is simply giving that alter a period of therapeutic sleep. Invite him/her to go for a long weekend of therapeutic sleep. Let them know that this kind of sleep is to allow a period of deep safe rest and healing rather than simply a time of avoidance. When you do this, make sure that as part of the invitation, they know that when the therapeutic sleep is over, you will have a meeting with them, speak directly to them, invite them to be your friend and share your experience of peace and safety of the garden/forest walk. At the meeting, listen to them speak of what is on their mind without judgment. As with any alter, they need to process their trauma safely.
Healing does not depend only on talking and thinking, it also requires rest and re-organization. It is like setting a fractured bone. You put the fracture in good alignment with the main bone and keep it in a plaster of Paris cast. The cast is a safe protected place where the pieces to grow back together. The good alignment is kindness. As best you can, always be kind.
