People ask why it took so long for these celebrities to speak out, just as they ask of individuals abused as children – with and without DID. Because the current reports involve adults for the most part, people are now beginning to accept that there is an impact of power dynamics. Where abuse happens in a setting involving a high differential of power between the abuser and the abused, the victim is usually completely intimidated. Whether it is a celebrity predator, an Olympic team doctor, a local clergyman, or a family member, these attacks often happened in one of two ways: 1) so unexpectedly that one is usually taken off-guard, rattled and confused, in which case the first thing that arises in conscious thought is: “Who would believe me?” or 2) following a period of grooming, a step-by-step dismantling of personal boundaries a little at a time, that appears to shift the abuse to some twisted and illusory appearance of consent. And, again, the conscious thought is: “Who would believe me?”
Imagine being a very small child, the level of intimidation is life and death. The power differential with respect to adults, particularly adult family members, is incomprehensible.
In most cases, as survivors fear and sometimes learn, the accusations are readily brushed off for an extraordinarily long time. Survivors, DID and otherwise, often find out long after the fact that they were not the only target. Why? Because abusers rarely limit their abuse to a single target. It is part and parcel of the power dynamic that enables ongoing secrecy.
As we see in the current news reports, survivors are told how important and prominent the abuser is. They are told how the survivor’s life would be destroyed if they speak out. In family abuse, the child is warned that the entire family will be destroyed. Further, reporting abuse usually requires going to or through someone whose responsibility is to screen the information and then to convey it to someone higher up. At any point in the chain, the report can be suppressed, dismissed or ignored. Protection is crafted for the abuser, not the survivor. The survivor’s life, as they once knew it, is undermined and often destroyed.
How does it work? A scenario like this may help to illustrate it: An abusive man in charge of the local orphanage has dinner with the police chief of the city. The next day, the police receive a complaint about sexual abuse in the orphanage. It would be tempting for the chief to deem the report a lie – after all, he just had such a nice dinner together with the purported abuser and nothing seemed amiss. If he thinks there might be even a smidgeon of possibility, it would be much easier to minimize the offence as a simple case of confusion that can simply be brushed off. Isn’t it more important to protect the reputation of the purported abuser and the institution from such terrible claims? No, it is not.
You can substitute anyone in a position of power for the orphange director in the above example. You can substitute anyone for the police chief in that example – anyone in the money chain connected with the abuser. And remember, abusers are used to hiding their tracks. Even good people often miss the clues that their old friend, a pillar of the community, has an incredibly hidden dark side.
Evil deeds must be called out as quickly as possible – even if “as quickly as possible” means decades later! Why? Because any time an evil deed is covered up, it will fester and grow, like a deep infection that periodically erupts to the surface. Old or new, whenever you identify an infection is the time to treat it.
It is quite understandable that the victim, having been caught by surprise, remains silent. The longer they remain silent, the harder it is to speak up. The more they see those who speak up be dismissed as crzay or as liars, the harder it is for them to summon the courage to speak out themselves. A perpetrator, however, takes that silence as encouragement. He is free to do it again because, after all, the victim(s) is (are) too cowed to speak up. The longer the silence, the less believable people will find their words when victims do speak out.
Perpetrators, notoriously, will re-offend. Like thieves, people almost never stop once they got away the first time. The victim meanwhile has the unrealistic wish that this will not happen again to them. Why not listen to the warnings about speaking out, after all, this man is powerful—he could throw you out of the school, or ruin any opportunities which you worked so hard for years to approach. Can you stand up to a world class famous coach in hockey, swimming, or gymnastic coach who has taken you under his wing? Especially when you are representing your country at the Olympics and becoming world famous? Could you stand up so easily to a father who has been abusing you from as far back as your memory can goes?
We should be shouting to the heavens our support and appreciation for the many celebrities as well as the ordinary men and women who have summoned the courage to speak out. It is only in this way that our children, our friends and our society can be protected from this scourge.
It remains extraordinary that in this day and age, we seem to accept the mind-set of a man that can speak about how he can “grab a women by her pussy” and people will still elect him as a leader. The message this has sent continues to reverberate. But, now, that reverberation has resulted in the gathering of strength, of the coming together of survivors who are gaining power by exposing the abuse. Exposure is the disinfectant to protect ourselves and our children.
