There was a posting on a DID facebook group that expressed some real difficulties with a mindfulness meditation based therapy the DID individual was trying. This individual was not alone in having difficulties as a DID person trying to do mindfulness based therapy. I discussed the issue with a friend of mine who is also a long time Buddhist meditation instructor. He did not want to criticize the facilitator of the group because no doubt they were trying to be helpful and hopefully were for most people. However, he said quite definitely that if you are afraid to close your eyes, then don’t. It is not necessary and usually not advisable to do so anyway when practicing mindfulness. His point was that if you are trying to be “here” mindfully, then why would you close your eyes or imagine a stream? The practice is to just be where you are.
He suggested being very simple about it. A traditional technique is to start with a good posture (a straight back), comfortable sitting position, relax your jaw, eyes looking gently ahead angled slightly down and so that your gaze is falling to the ground about 6-8 feet in front of you. Allow yourself to settle and then simply count your outbreaths up to 10. Don’t try to manipulate your breathing, just go with how it is happening. If you lose count, just start again with 1. Do not criticize yourself if you lose count, do not praise yourself if you get all the way to 10. Either way, it is no big deal. If you get to 10, start again with 1. Do it for a short time, especially when beginning to become familiar with mindfulness. Even just 1-2 minutes is good or you can try just 5 or 10 breaths, however long that may take. If you can do it even just a little each day, that is great.
For someone with DID, it is critical to experience feeling safe, so don’t do anything that is going to frighten you or any parts – such as closing your eyes (or scanning your body which is a technique in some mindfulness therapies) if that is a problem. Try just sitting and counting outbreaths in a safe physical space of your own choosing. The first experience of most people starting mindfulness practice is that they become aware of just how many thoughts they really have. This is because there is so much more space for thoughts to appear when you are quieter than usual and not focusing so much on external tasks.
But for someone with DID, those many thoughts can be quite scary. Individual parts may see that open quiet space as their chance to be out and carrying all their traumatic memories. The thoughts may be coming from many different alters so quickly it seems that they are all happening at the same time. With that intensity of traumatic memory and seeming chaos, it is not surprising that dissociation would occur right away. So, DID individuals must go very carefully with mindfulness meditation so that the open space doesn’t trigger the fears of all the parts at the same time and result in retraumatization instead of healing.
But, if you can do it for only a few minutes or even just a few breaths, that starts you on the road to having confidence that you can indeed feel safe – even if just for 1, 2 or 3 breaths at a time!
Experiencing safety starts with that one first breath. Make a decision before you start about how long you will do the counting. Try to do it for that long but once you reach your goal for the session, gently stop. That way you start to get the habit of being able to create a time-defined safe space which is a great habit to engender.
If and when you become more comfortable with the practice of mindfulness, you can increase it by just one or two more minutes, or just few more breaths. If you dissociate, no problem. When you recognize that you have dissociated, just go back to counting breaths without praise or blame directed to you or any alter. Encourage whoever is out during the dissociation to please try to continue to do the counting of the breaths while they are out. If they will do so, great. If not, don’t worry. You can always gently (always gently) invite them next time. You can express that encouragement to the parts before you start, so they are acknowledged and even a bit prepared.
Slowly, there will likely be some benefit to the host, to the alters that participate, and also to those that watch without participating. Even a small benefit will encourage other alters to start to watch, maybe even participate, and to share that taste of safety in the breath. In fact, inviting the ones that appear when you dissociate is a very kind way to empower those alters, to show them that they too can be mindful of the “here and now” also – safely and without struggle.
Remember, keep it short – especially at the beginning – and always safe . Later, if the practice is helpful, keep it safe and extend it for just a bit longer. The critical point is experiencing safety in the here and now.
