The reason to consider forgiveness in the way described in Part 1 of this 2 part post, to consider letting go, is that non-forgiveness carries its own deep penalties. Intense and completely appropriate deep resentment, the deep sense of betrayal, and the other conflicted emotions that all go along with those are harmful to your own well-being, both spiritually and physically. But, do not ever forget that it was those same intense emotions that saved you as a young child.
Those same intense emotions may manifest as alters that you have difficulties with because of their intensity. By engaging those alters and acknowledging the truth of both your pain and their protective intentions, you can transform the intensity from conflict with alters to mutual cooperative support. In that way, you can forgive but not forget. In that way you honor those alters and your own survival. In that way, you protect yourself from falling into the trap of mistaken conventional understandings of forgiveness.
Persistent anger and resentment, feeling oppressed and being hyper-vigilant are mental states that are harmful to the those who do not forgive in a safe and protective way. It tinges their way of seeing the world. They are quick to look for, project out and only see the faults of others. They color their direct perceptions and adopt a negative way of seeing the world around around them. They are likely to miss the birds singing or the sun shining. They miss all the good stuff of being alive.
Their hyper-vigilance make them paranoid and mistrustful. They handicap themselves and put up roadblocks to all potentially healthy relationships. In the extreme cases, they are chronically depressed, often drowning themselves with chemical addictions. They miss out on so many of the good things in life. So work on dialing down the hyper-vigilance. Let go into ordinary appropriate vigilance. It is safer and respectful to your protectors. They are still and will always be needed.
Physically, failing to let go results in chronically raised levels of cortisol, the so-called “stress hormone.” Scientists have clearly determined that elevated cortisol levels interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease. Letting go allows us to care enough about our bodies to get rid of negative hormones circulating in our system.
Again, we must be honest. Healing is a journey, a path. It is difficult to let go and forgive. One must pay attention to the part (whether it is a fragment of the person that appears momentarily, or an alter with the capacity for ongoing executive function) who is too hurt to let go of that anger and pain. One has to pay attention to these parts. One cannot just rush in and tell a part to forget the past and move on, so to speak. If you are a DID, ask who cannot or is unwilling to forgive, then gently allow that part to process getting over the negative experience he/she is stuck with. It will help to reinforce that the goal in forgiving does not, absolutely does not, include forgetting. It does not, absolutely does not, include allowing a perpetrator close once again.
Notice how much hurt the “alter” is still feeling. Work on consoling that part. If you are a partner of the one with DID, you can still work on a part that is unwilling and unable to let go of the hurt. Treat that part as deeply real as that part perceives itself to be. Work on consoling it to allow healing from the wound.
It takes time, but the goal is eventually arriving at the stage that you will be safely released from the negative emotions of anger and bitterness. Learn to be kind to yourself, or that specific part of yourself. Then you can truly be free.
