Part 4

[4] Leading the System to Safety

Help ground all parts of the system as they emerge. Ground them in the now through identifying things about right here, right now. Even in the middle of a flashback, it can be as simple as pointing out gently that “The bad things happened in such and such place, at such and such time.” You can ask “Where are you now?” Let them answer. Then point out that this place right here is different from that place. Ask “When is this conversation with me happening?” Let them answer. Then point out that this is a different time from that bad time. Ask “Right now, you are here with who?” Let them answer. Then repeat that “You are here with me and that is another thing very different than the bad time and place.” Then breathe together. Slowly allow your partner to bring their breathing in sync with yours. It may take more than just a few moments or minutes. Don’t worry, don’t be pushy. Just gently remind them to breathe with you.

One must always strive to be sincere, respectfully treating the alters as separate individuals just as they experience themselves as separate individuals. This is what alters feel deeply. It is what they expect in all interactions with someone they are trying to trust. And, it is something they will test with someone they are considering trusting or someone. Remember that in the midst of a flashback, they may need to once again test you on the spot.

One must never forget that an alter is one part of the whole person you are facing and interacting with. This is particularly true for the Spouse/SO. You cannot supportively pick and choose, or otherwise determine that you want to be with this alter and reject that alter. You cannot decide to punish or abandon one of the paranoid/hostile/selfish ones. This is true for both the therapist and the Spouse/SO.

There is a Chinese saying, 愛屋及鳥 : Because I love that person so much that I love everything related to that person, even the crows that are perched on the roof of that person’s house.) The more you encourage that view, the more supportive you can be.

In summary, both the therapist and the spouse/SO have to go beyond their own bias toward unitary personalities so as to treat the alters as real discreet parts as well as integral parts of one individual, one system so to speak. Those who cannot accomplish this will fail as a therapist or as a supportive spouse/SO.