I received many responses to my 4-part post suggesting that those with DID should consider the question of whether or not to include their Spouse/Significant Other (“SO”) in their therapeutic path. With appropriate consideration, if the decision is yes, then the next question relates to the extent should they be included, and what they need to know to be supportive.
Feedback on the question of whether to include a Spouse/SO ranged from absolutely yes to absolutely no, and included many versions of a qualified yes and qualified no. So it seems that my wish to raise the issue for consideration was successful and produced a wide range of opinions. Please keep in mind that one of the fundamental points I made was that control of the decision has to remain in the hands of the patient, and that the therapist has to be prepared to aid in the patient’s assessment process.
That being said, I feel it is both necessary and appropriate to put my own thoughts out there, my personal views as to the considerations and advice I deem important as part of this process. The result is quite a long post in multiple parts, the equivalent of a long chapter in a book. I apologize for its length and the delay in posting. I also apologize for repeating things I have said in earlier posts, but this is an opportunity to condense many of those points into a single presentation.
The purpose of this post is to offer a summary of my thoughts, opinions, and recommendations. I hope you consider these before making a decision. Please remember to discuss this topic with your therapist before making any decision about what to share with your Spouse/SO, when to share it, and to what extent to share it. I hope it is helpful to those with DID who have a Spouse/SO as well as to therapists who may benefit in reformulating, after consideration where and when appropriate, a more beneficial therapeutic plan that may include that Spouse/SO.
Both you as someone with DID and your therapist as an educated guide, need to consider to what extent your Spouse/SO is supportive, not supportive, or somewhere in between. I would encourage you to listen to your protector parts for their input as part of the process. Do not bypass those parts. As I have said in multiple posts and in my books, the idea is to lower the hyper-vigilance of the protectors to ordinary vigilance, but never to eliminate their vigilance or dismiss their feedback out of hand.
When an alter emerges at home, it is often the case that the Spouse/SO is the only one around. Given that they often emerge, whatever the circumstances, in the company of the Spouse/SO, the Spouse/SO is more likely than the therapist to encounter alters – knowingly or not.
As the Spouse/SO, what do you do? First, always remember that an alter is a part of the whole DID system, part of the whole person who is important to you. Having no training as a DID therapist is not a sufficient reason to ignore an alter that comes out.
Whether you see the alter as adorable, annoying, angry or childish, do not choose to ignore them. Once you recognize that an alter has emerged, you can start with what might easily be seen as common courtesy by responding with kindness to what is happening with that alter. If the alter is in a panic, perhaps caught in a flashback, don’t simply leave that alter to their agony. You do not need a therapist to tell you how to comfort a child or any other age alter. Just as you would do if you were to encounter someone in crisis other than your Spouse/SO, extend compassion, speak soothingly, and listen deeply with non-judgmental empathy.
Do not tell them that their pain is not real, that it doesn’t hurt. Pay attention to what you are seeing and hearing, listen with your body senses rather than your logic. You will see that the alter is obviously in pain, whether it is expressed as physical pain, anger, terror or any other intense emotion. So long as you acknowledge that pain and assure them that you will support the alter in working with the trauma they hold, you can say that the hurt will eventually diminish, that it will gradually cease to be so overwhelming, and that you will be there to offer support to all parts of the system on their journey of healing.
Most importantly, you can say that you will do what you can to create within your relationship a sanctuary in which that alter can express what they need to express without fear of judgment or negative feedback. In other words, you will do what you can to provide them the opportunity to re-learn the actual experience of safety that was hijacked by the trauma.
