I am delighted and honored that Robert Oxnam, author of A Fractured Mind: My Life with Multiple Personality Disorder (Hyperion, 2005) has most kindly consented to be a guest blogger on this topic of disclosing one’s DID to others. I am confident that his generosity in writing this piece will result in much benefit to the DID community. His ongoing willingness to share his experience with others is a tribute to the power of genuinely walking the path of healing.
“Disclosing Your DID: A Cautionary Note”
From: Robert Oxnam
October 16, 2015
I’ve been asked by my good friend, David Yeung, to offer some advice about the wisdom and dangers of disclosing your DID condition to others beyond your family and a trusted circle of close friends. Having published my DID story a decade ago, he knew I had lots of experience with the ups and downs of openly revealing the disorder.
Looking back, I think my disclosure motivations were similar to many who have struggled privately with DID over many years. I wanted to be honest about who “we” are inside and how we’ve coped with a difficult life. I wanted to embrace my outer associates – family, friends, workmates – just as I had learned to embrace my inner identities. As one publisher said to me – “I think you’re writing this book so you can own the rest of your life.”
And so, I blithely pushed ahead, wrote the book, and awaited the results, good or bad. In retrospect, I was very fortunate to have a relatively favorable outcome – roughly 80% of the responses were positive/very positive while 20% very negative/outright vicious. Many in the media world embraced the book and, for a few weeks at least, it became a bestseller. I was deluged with supportive emails and letters, especially from mental health professionals and from fellow DIDs. But nasty anti-DID shrinks unloaded on me and some reviews were laced with haughty and mocking language. Some former friends and even family backed away; while others implied that I was making up the whole story. Just go to Amazon.com, check the reviews of A Fractured Mind, and you’ll see the whole spectrum.
In retrospect, I’ve learned a great deal about the volatility that surrounds our disorder, and “we” have learned how to find inner strength to cope with the harsher realities of DID disclosure. Most of all, I have come to realize that my 80/20 breakdown was an outright miracle and it could have been much worse. I have also concluded that my relatively-positive experience with DID disclosure has been an exception that proves the rule. What rule? Don’t go public unless you’ve thought it out carefully and are ready to face difficult consequences, short and long term. Remember, you’ll live with ever-expanding circles of “people who know and gossip” for the rest of your life.
Why was my experience an “exception that proves the rule”? I think there were four factors that prompted an 80/20 response rather than 50/50 or perhaps even 20/80.
1) “Inner Consensus.” In 2005, when the book was published, “we” already had fifteen years of post-diagnosis DID under our collective belt. We had fully identified the whole raft of inner personalities, found ways to break down the walls that separated us, and gone through a long-term merging process. The remaining five identities committed ourselves to a cooperative framework called “cohesive multiplicity.” And then, “we” openly discussed the pros and cons of going public. Eventually, we reached a heartfelt decision that, for our own sakes, and for the potential good of others, it was essential to write the book. And, we also agreed that each of us would tell his/her story separately so that none of us felt left out or diminished by the experience. In short, we were all ready for the reactions, come hell or high water.
2) “Controlling the Narrative.” The book itself was “our story” in our own words. Before anyone might react to that story, they would presumably have read the book and thus encountered experiences and observations that we ourselves had revealed in context. So we were not just disclosing our DID, but also offering an orderly and positive framework for helping others understand DID. These are the messages in a nutshell: a) DID occurs because of vicious abuse inflicted on very young children, b) DID is an intelligent child’s way of coping with horrible treatment and staying alive in physical and psychological terms, c) There are great therapists who can treat DID with patience and care, producing remarkable results, and d) In addition, those without DID can learn from the disorder about how multiplicity is embedded in all humankind. And maybe, we hoped, non-DIDs could learn how to deal creatively with those inner forces and perhaps even find their own way to “cohesive multiplicity.”
3) “Timing.” When the book was published, I was 62 years old, at the end of a multi-faceted and successful career as a specialist in China and Asia. I was already pursuing other activities as a novelist, business consultant, and television journalist. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was also poised to enter the creative world as an artist working in sculpture and photography. Yes, I suppose one might say that my career trajectory was as diverse as my inner psychology. But my key point is that the timing was right to take a disclosure leap without fearing that I would lose my job and livelihood in the process.
4) “Highly Supportive and Admired Partner.” Vishakha Desai, my wife, has been and remains a crucial factor in dealing with my DID and coping with “going public.” It is impossible to imagine the arduous process of DID therapy and then public disclosure without her at my side. Vishakha has not only helped me in a thousand ways, but she has also become a fervent advocate for DIDs and dissociation therapists. She makes the powerful point that “DID denial” is really “the second abuse” – first the child is brutally abused and suffers severe dissociation, and then, many in the public and not a few shrinks deny that DID even exists. The fact that Vishakha is now a major figure in global education, culture, and business means that her insightful views are deeply respected. Many now see her as a role model for “DID partners.”
So my message is this… The desire for disclosing your DID is totally understandable, and even noble, but the potential dangers are substantial. You need to think out the strategies and consequences in great detail, producing a DID version of what the business community calls “risk analysis”, and what professional athletes call a “game plan.” Without such forethought, it’s particularly difficult to engage in a “partial disclosure”: letting a few more people know, trusting they will keep it private, but this risks a rippling effect if someone breaks your confidence. On the other hand, if you, along with your therapist and current circle of supporters, can create a plan that works for your inner DID system, and for your social and professional situation, then it’s worth considering disclosure.
When thinking about these issues, DIDs and our therapists are fortunate to have a wide array of communication routes, both online and at in-person conferences. One remarkable example is the annual “Healing Together” gathering expertly hosted by an organization with an appropriately-upbeat title – “An Infinite Mind.” I have had the honor of keynoting those conferences several times in recent years and will do so again in February, 2016 in Orlando, Florida. The Healing Together conference offers a wonderful chance to meet with hundreds of other DIDs and therapists, allowing attendees to be who they are without apology or having to hide. The conference offers a rich array of speakers – including several who are coping with dissociation themselves – and ample opportunity to raise whatever questions and viewpoints in a totally confidential environment. Above all, the chance to talk with other DIDs is enormously important, sharing our experiences and escaping the burden of feeling trapped and helpless. It is always helpful when getting ready to walk through a minefield to get advice from those have already traversed it and can point out the dangers.
I pray for the day when DID is universally seen as a treatable disorder, not caused by something you did, not posing threats to others, and deserving sympathy rather than suspicion. Then we can all reveal our disorder without fretting about unintended consequences.
