A reader wrote to me asking my thoughts about a problem that affects many DID individuals. The question was about working with alters who are mute, perhaps too young to speak, or, in general, uncommunicative. This raised a common concern: how can we communicate when they do not speak?
The foundation of this is the understanding that communication with alters in need is essential for healing. Ignoring alters will simply make matters worse.
When we consider the possibilities of communication, it can take place directly or indirectly, verbally or non-verbally. Direct verbal communication is usually, though not always, somewhat straightforward. Indirect verbal communication can refer messages routed through a 3rd party. In the case of DID, this 3rd party routing can be very useful. I had patients that established one or more alters as the spokesperson and/or message deliverer between me and alters that for whatever reason did not wish to communicate directly. Sometimes, the communication gateways were alters that knew the silent ones inside enough to approach them, or be approached by them, to pass messages in both directions.
With respect to young alters that were pre-verbal, these had usually arisen at the time of early abuse that took place when the host was pre-verbal. For those, it seemed that alters who were just a bit older and already verbal were the best at communicating to those very young alters, and could facilitate communications.
In short, I suggest that encouraging alters to take on that role can be very helpful. Some may be willing to do so, some not. Inviting alters to try, even if they don’t succeed, is a positive step forward – like cracking open a door that has been long closed. The door won’t readily swing on hinges that have been frozen in place after so long, but the first little opening enables a second to take place and a third until eventually the hinge begins to swing more easily.
Sometimes, among all people, communication involves messages that say one thing on the surface but make another, sometimes different statement, at the same time. In DID, the internal conflict can play out in that kind of communication. For example, the communication might come from a very angry protector saying “I hate you – so stay away or else…” But that same message may be co-mingled or be an overlay of a message from a frightened very young alter testing whether or not the therapeutic alliance is genuine or just anotherj opportunity for betrayal.
Non-verbal communication takes place all the time and is a very important way of communication. Take the example of communication between species, we all know for example a dog owner and his dog can be in deep communication without use of words. Most of us have heard of dolphins being trapped in a fish net, who express their gratitude after being cut loose by a diver. I believe all this is true— we human just get a little carried away by over-dependence on the use of words.
Non-verbal communication is powerful and often overlooked. We all have experienced hunches and “6th sense” warnings, alerting us of danger or conveying respect and positive regard from total strangers speaking in an unfamiliar language.
How does this relate to individuals with DID? Often the body language will be the communication – unadorned and straightforward. This is true whether it is rage, fear or laughter. Again, one can use that body language as a way to open another long-closed door. For example, an alter (male) of one of my patients became angry at home one afternoon and just started banging her head really hard against the floor as she grunted. It was quite frightening for the spouse.
The intensity of the anger and the head-banging didn’t make any sense. There hadn’t been any argument but something had triggered this reaction. Taking the approach of trying to engage what was obviously an alter, the spouse said that he didn’t understand why she was banging her head against the floor but really wanted to understand because it was obviously important to know the “why.”
Taking that body language and grunting as communication rather than as psychosis, allowed the spouse to ask that genuine question. The spouse asked for help to understand what the head-banging meant. Because a genuine question was asked respectfully, and because the spouse was genuinely trying to engage, the 5 year old alter answered in words that it was how he protected the system from the abuser. This didn’t make much sense to the spouse. How was it protective to be smashing your head against the floor?
The alter first glared at the spouse – pretty much indicating that the spouse was obviously too slow-witted to get it. But then, again because the spouse was genuinely trying to engage on the alter’s own terms, the alter was quite explicit that he did the head-banging because he knew it would frighten the abuser. If he frightened the abuser then he was the one in control – not the abuser. He explained that if he hurt the body’s head, they (meaning the host and the family abuser) would end up at the hospital. The abuser didn’t want that because then he would have to explain how the head injury occurred to the police or doctors at the hospital.
When the spouse remarked that it was incredibly brave and insightful to have come up with that on the spot, the alter straightened up his body – head up, shoulders back, the chest swelling with pride. Why? Because the spouse understood and appreciated the hidden message. The spouse understood that banging the head against the floor was a brilliant and sane thing to do by a five year old under the circumstances. It was not something crazy. As the alter swelled with pride, the spouse started laughing and then the alter started grinning – a gigantic grin.
A bridge was built on the spot in that way. That was the beginning of the spouse being able to successfully invite a shift in an angry protective alter and turn that alter into a support in healing.
That same patient had alters that would come out at night. Having already developed a relationship with the alter described above, the spouse was told that these were really really little ones. They would come out crying in fetal positions, wracked with sobbing. With the information from the 5 year old alter that these were likely infants, the spouse had them lay their heads on his chest so they could feel his heartbeat, his slow breathing, and his arms softly holding their back, protecting them. In holding them the way a parent would hold an injured infant, these alters would cry for awhile and then leave when they had been held enough for that moment. After a few months, they wouldn’t come out sobbing but rather would come out crying just a bit and finally would sometimes fall asleep on the spouse’s chest. Their appearance became increasing rare until they no longer seemed to need to come out. Nothing else really needed to be done but to be there for them, acknowledging that they had been hurt and needed comforting.
I think we can strive toward communication with alters who do not use verbal communication. Try to be sensitive to their needs, their unprocessed trauma. By being there, being genuine and sometimes simply being still, conveying the willingness to listen and to understand, we may be able to help those with DID accomplish quite a bit of healing.
